just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
