Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
