Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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