its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
