Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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