i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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