I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
