This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
