I didn't shave. On purpose
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
