I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
In other news, I just burned my penis
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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