Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
