Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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