we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
