Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
