she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
