OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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