i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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