I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This is the high leading the old right now
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
