We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
