I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
