If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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