I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
