oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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