Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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