I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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