can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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