I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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