your room smells of hookers.
And success
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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