how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize