I just cut my nipple shaving
i can't believe i had my finger in that
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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