i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
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