I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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