I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
