i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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