dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
