ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
