he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize