Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize