You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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