I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
