my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
