So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
