I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
