Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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