I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
