Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
