Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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