Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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