if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
