Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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