I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
