you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
