I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
