I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
