ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
