Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize